Sunday, 8 March 2015

My Twelve point Manifesto for Wales

I'm quick to criticise politicians so thought it would only be fair to publicly state what I would do in their shoes. This is my twelve point manifesto for Wales.
Governance.
1. With immediate effect, all politicians will be paid the average national wage. This will be a zero hours contract with all employees being paid only for hours attended. (Not even a note from their Mam will be accepted for absence.) All party political broadcasts, statements or interviews will be restricted to one per party per year, and for a duration of one minute only. During these televised broadcasts, any politician giving their interview after inhaling helium gas from a boob-shaped balloon will be issued with a credit note for 1000 free votes.
2. The National assembly will be turned into a ball pit second to none and will be the envy of the world. The new debating chamber will be the Millennium Stadium (though not on match days) with the ruling party occupying the South stand (Rows Lower 3 – 7 only) and the opposition parties in Glanmore’s gap in the North. (No amplification equipment will be provided) Any hot air generated from the new debating chamber will be connected to the National Grid. (It is expected that this will wipe out the energy crisis at a single stroke)
3. We will install Alex Jones from the One Show as Queen of Wales with immediate effect. Alex will not be paid a salary but will receive dancing lessons in lieu of Wages. Alun Wyn Jones will be the new prime minister and can write his own cheque. All street cleaners who clean Caroline street on a Sunday Morning will be knighted.
Health and Welfare
4. All wives and girlfriends will be issued unlimited chocolate and wine free on prescription for the duration of one week per month. The selected 7 days must be consecutive and to be chosen by the partner of the said woman.
5. Man Flu will be recognised as one of the most dangerous afflictions known to mankind. We will quadruple the amount of NHS nurses, with 50% being trained specially to deal with this terrible disease.
6. Alcohol abuse is a very serious issue. Blaming the beer for the hangover on the morning following a good night out is not acceptable. Anyone found drinking like a man but getting up like a girly will be publicly shamed in the South Wales Echo. Manning up will be made compulsory (though allowances will be made for anyone drinking Brains SA.)
Immigration
7. Immigration is a difficult subject but we accept it must be addressed. We are not a party of discrimination so believe there is only one way to do this fairly. It is proposed that anyone not native to the UK for a period of the past ten thousand years must leave immediately. Unfortunately this will mean only the Celts will remain but on the bright side, most of England will be empty except for the Cornish. This is seen as an acceptable compromise as they make they make lush pasties. Prince Harry will be given a renewable visa to visit as he’s a bit of a lad and he makes us laugh.
Economy
8. Clarks pie production will increase tenfold and will be used as the basis of all school meals as well as meeting the needs of the Wales/Cornwall pastry exchange programme. Demand for this program is difficult to estimate at this early juncture but we foresee an exchange rate of 1 Clarks Pie to 10 Cornish Pasties.
9. Farming will be increased across the country and due to the popularity of Welsh lamb, only sheep with six legs will be farmed. These will be sourced from the fields around Wylfa Nuclear Power station where such breeds are common. Unfortunately, we don’t know how they taste as nobody has managed to catch one yet.
Culture and the Arts
10. All Male voice choirs will be entered into talent shows around the world and all winnings donated to the economy. It is envisaged this will make Wales as rich as all the oil producing countries combined. Katherine Jenkins is to be cloned immediately and mass produced in the empty Hoover factory in Merthyr by the people who made Dolly the Sheep. Each Welsh man who has played at least one game of rugby at village level can claim up to two clones per year.
Sport
11. The outside half factory will be reopened with immediate effect. Kicking away good possession will be made a custodial offence and any scrum halves with slow service will be deported.
12. All WRU employees will be sent back to school to learn about Welsh history and culture. Special emphasis will be placed on the following modules. - Inclusivity, Grass Roots, Community, Meritocracy and Fairness. (Please note, the modules, Super Clubs, Regionalism, Benefactors and Participation agreements will no longer be part of the rugby curriculum.) WRU staff will also receive intense lessons in geography to find out exactly where the valleys are. This is an important exam but unfortunately a low pass rate is expected.
Vote for me – You know it makes sense